I Survived a Multi-Generational Car Trip from New Jersey, and All You Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

We did go away this past weekend after all. The vegetables survived (although the strawberries had clearly been partying) and so did I. Barely.

We went to the Jersey Shore - land of my birth - for a family party, and here are some tips that I want to pass on to you that I learned during our time away from home:

1. If you are the type of person who would welcome the opportunity to perform brain surgery on yourself while wearing a suit of live bees - just to avoid traveling, then agonizing over whether to go until 2 hours after you should have left is not the best way to alleviate your anxiety.
2. If your father says he isn't coming up from Florida to go to your niece's college graduation party, assume that he will surprise you by being there.
3. Also, if you have not cleaned your house in [insert length of time here that you feel is appropriately disgusting - I'm not telling how long it really is] days/weeks, assume that said spontaneous Dad will be driving back home with you for an undisclosed amount of time. (I love you Dad!)
4. If you have a blog and you tell your family about it, they will read it. But not all of them will have read it recently. So when they are all together in one place, you will have the constant nagging suspicion that you are either quoting yourself or leaving out important details as you fill them in on your recent exploits.
5. Beer Pong is an exciting and educational activity that you learn in college.
6. Puppies, no matter how cute, soft, and loveable they are to adults, are terrifying to people who are the same size as them. (KosherCop and his cousin Lucky both became completely unhinged when the new golden retriever puppy was around.)
7. If said puppy-owners are empty-nesters the puppy will be referred to as the "baby". Babyproofing will ensue. For example, the dangerous rocks in the rock collection will be locked up somewhere that the puppy can't access them, despite your own baby having been allowed to juggle the asbestos and radioactive moonrocks. (That's an exaggeration - Uncle P. would never allow my son to juggle with the rocks in his collection - you can only sniff the asbestos, never touch it.)
8. If you aren't sure how to get your guests to leave when the party is over, hire a hysterically howling 4 year old who has just bloodied both knees during an unfortunate round of freeze tag.
   
9. Just because said 4 year is hysterical, doesn't mean he is being melodramatic. Even if he requests "a thousand band-aids" for his knee.
10. If your child has finally started to calm down, count on 5-7 caring and supportive family members to try to console him with survival tales of their own childhood traumas, only to start him crying again when they get to the part about how there was blood. Expect them not to catch on to why he isn't actually calming down until you finally point it out.
11. If your child has never lived in an apartment and you spend the night in one, expect a visit from the downstairs neighbors at some point. They will not be there to welcome you to the building.
12. When driving home with four people in a car ranging from 4 to 86, you will be legally obligated to stop at 11 out of 12 rest stops. You will be overjoyed since you only had to request 5 of them - despite needing all 11.
    
13. If your family reads your blog, they are going to see that you are making fun of them!
    

Love you guys! We had a great time seeing everyone!